Caffeine-Fueled

If you're new here, please consider subscribing to my RSS feed or by email. Thanks for visiting!

The WWE carney folk have paddled across the Atlantic for tonight’s episode of RAW, washing ashore somewhere in the UK and making a mad scramble for the forests before the local forces could repel them back into the water. Back in the day the Royal Navy could’ve taken care of this little problem. Call in the man o’ wars! Ship shape and Bristol fashion!

Our latest entrant in the perpetual revolving door of guest hosts and interim general managers is English professional boxer Ricky Hatton, for some reason accompanied to the ring by the Bella twins who promptly vanish back into the mists from whence they came. Hatton kills some mic time before the inevitable Jericho/Big Show interruption with a video package of his previous matches, presumably so the American fans will have some vague idea of just who the hell he is.

Jericho and Big Show arrive a little later than usual. Since the guest hosts are always portrayed as faces, this encounter unfolds precisely as you’d expect: staredown, the trading of verbal jabs, imminent violence, DX appears, dumb jokes, match setups, another staredown, heels retreat, DX/guest host celebrate, go to commercial. I’ve only been doing this for about a month but I get the feeling that this same basic formula has been recycled week-in and week-out since the guest host concept was introduced.

Kelly Squared (w/ Gail Kim) v. Alicia Fox (w/ Jillian Hall). There’s a 10-woman elimination match/clusterfuck (and not the good kind) planned for Survivor Series. Have I ever mentioned that I’m very happy with my personal “no PPV” rule? Melina watches on a monitor backstage much like Inspector Gadget’s nemesis Claw might’ve done had he the opportunity to due so. Kelly controls most of the match but loses anyway as the Laws of Wrestling Probability take over; in this case, no number one contender for a title (Alicia Fox) will ever lose to a random opponent lower in the chain (Kelly) without story-related interference, of which there is none. Diva-related Blown Spot of the Night: Kelly’s horribly awkward pin combination which she fails to break in time, causing a really jarring delay from the ref.

Cena and Hatton talk in the halls, but nothing is really said. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.

Another Sheamus/Jamie Noble recap package. I’m really not sure how burying a few old cruiserweights and unknown farm talent is going to put Sheamus over (see also: Kevin Nash). Wouldn’t it make more sense to have him dismantle someone the audience actually knows/remembers?

Sheamus v. Random Unnamed Local Jobber #346. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler remain in “seriously concerned” mode throughout the entirety of this match. According to Cole, Jamie Noble is now considering retirement as a result of the preceding two weeks of destruction. In real world terms I suppose that means he’s heading back to RoH or Japan. Anyway, this was just another squash; let’s hope that the bookers won’t feel the need to drag the monster beatdown streak out too much farther.

The Bella twins hit on Ricky Hatton, somehow leading to “dart lessons” becoming our latest PG-13 sexual euphemism. Santino and Chavo are up for some of that action. Guest Host Request Line, assemble! This backfires for Chavo as usual, sparing us from another Santino in-ring performance (assuming that such a beast actually exists) in favour of Hatton taking on the Guerrero brother personally. Smell the ratings!

Talking Head interviews Miz regarding his Survivor Series team leadership up against opposing captain John Morrison. Sure, I dig Morrison as much as most right-headed individuals, but this program between Morrison and Miz is going nowhere, meaning that the US Title on Miz’s shoulder is steadily losing its importance. It was important, right? Jack Swagger interrupts for reasons which I’m sure matter to someone, somewhere, somehow.

Evan Bourne v. Jack Swagger. I can’t tell if Swagger is much larger than he appears or if Bourne is the smallest dude in the WWE since Spike Dudley, but it’s worth noting that I have pretty lousy eyesight. Seriously, the prescription on these specs is at least eight years old. Swagger looks like molasses next to a cruiser like Bourne, so this is yet another unfortunate clash of styles which just drags. Miz wanders down to observe, Bourne picks up the win off the Shooting Star. Average fare.

MVP, Mark Henry, and Kofi Kingston chill in the VIP Lounge. My lengthy break from wrestling means that MVP’s show-within-a-show is new to me, so I should mention that I find the concept of a velvet rope and bouncer at ringside pretty hilarious, especially when Orton and Legacy wander down and are somehow unable to pass. That rope must be pretty magical if meeting the bouncer’s appraisal is the only way through. Am I the only one reminded of APA’s “office” door with no walls? More trash talk follows and Orton gets slapped by Kofi. Commercials!

Mark Henry v. Randy Orton. Joined in-progress ’cause those Party Poker ads are crucial. I kid around this time, for once — Henry/Orton isn’t exactly the most energetic of combinations, y’know? Watching this pairing is pretty similar to the sight of a desperate prison inmate attempting to slam a hole through a brick wall, yet somehow Orton does just that for several minutes to no effect and still manages to win with a single RKO, his only offense in the entire match. Suspension of disbelief is always precarious in wrestling; consider it shattered here.

Some random selection from the Nickelback production line will become RAW’s theme next week. The current “wuh-uh-oh” crap is pretty damn bad, I’ll grant that, but the only thing worse than using a Chad Kroeger track as a replacement would be calling in the Insane Clown Posse. This could be a possible straw + camel’s back situation I’m walking into next Monday.

Ricky Hatton v. Chavo Guerrero. This one gets the full in-ring introduction, which is a touch of class the WWE could use a lot more of. The announcer informs us that as a “boxer vs. wrestler mixed martial arts match”, Hatton can only win by knockout while Chavo is restricted to the usual pinfall or submission standard. A single right hook with some legitimate mustard on it puts Chavo down after a minute or two of theatrics.

Backstage skit involving Cena, DX, and Hornswoggle. The universe hates me, it really does. The writers aren’t seriously going to use Hornswoggle as the wedge which divides these three faces going into the triple threat match, right? Put a bullet to me. Bullet in the brain pan, squish!

Rowdy Roddy Piper is the guest host next week. Why not just bring him in every week? Old-school fans are obviously familiar with him, the younger and dumber of the arena crowd at least know who he is, plus Roddy still has mainstream pull to boot. Also, he was a wrestler. How about that!

Chris Jericho & Big Show v. DX. Cena is on commentary, so just like last week I’ll be exercising my mute button rights for the duration. Take that, pay-per-view shills! Woo! Since we got the heel beatdown of DX and Cena last week, you should be able to set your damn watch the proceedings tonight. Yes sir, it’s yet another slow, perhaps even ponderous tag match straight from the paint-by-numbers playbook, 1998 edition. This time it’s DX’s turn to add another tally to their W column thanks to one more misunderstanding between Jericho and Show. The wheel keeps turning in the most delightfully predictable ways.

I told you last week not to expect another above average show, and I was right. Pretty bland stuff tonight, folks; the Branston Pickle has been spread too thin.