It goes without saying that we should all be very careful about what we do to our bodies, perhaps now more than ever. We hear all the time about various imported Chinese food products carrying deadly cocktails of mercury, lead, weapons-grade plutonium, kryptonite… yet despite how quick we are to recognize these health threats from abroad, many of us are still happy enough to pollute and injure ourselves via other means.

Obviously I don’t need to tell anyone about the risks of smoking, although it might surprise you to learn that the lax restrictions concerning tobacco (or perhaps the lack of any to begin with) is at the point where strawberry jam undergoes stricter regulation than cigarettes. Then again, you never know what kind of malicious viral agent might be lurking in the marmalade and fruit spread laboratories of Kraft! Perhaps if Big Jam were to increase their lobbying muscle, maybe bribe a few congressmen…

Next on the list of potentially threatening foodstuffs: royal wedding cakes!

A large slice of cake made to celebrate the wedding of Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles [in 1981] has been sold for £1,000 at an auction house in Gloucestershire.

“Whoever bought it is unlikely to eat it as it will undoubtedly taste stale and be an expensive experiment.”

Far be it for me to call into question the common sense of anyone fascinated enough by decades-old pastries to pay a thousand quid for a slice, but I’d personally be more concerned that anyone foolish enough to sneak a bite from it might end up introducing a new and exciting plague upon the world. Unless Elaine Benes did that already.

After the break, one method of DIY body modification that you really shouldn’t try to duplicate.

KUALA LUMPUR (AFP) - A Malaysian welder had to have a nut removed from around his penis after an attempt to lengthen it before he gets engaged next week went embarrassingly wrong, a news report said Sunday.

The nut got stuck on his penis following an erection, the Star newspaper said, forcing him to seek help at a hospital in southern Johor state.

As someone who keeps a close eye on the wires for all forms of strange news, it seems to me that “man + penis + stuck in, on, severed + inanimate object” is a string of variables that has made far too many appearances lately. Don’t any of these guys learn from their perverted and/or insecure brothers? Do we really have to issue a public service announcement on the subject?

Take care of yourselves, everyone.