For those of us who aren’t brain scientists or rocket surgeons (wait… naw, that sounds right) the Large Hadron Collider is a massive particle accelerator do-hickey which has been under construction in Geneva for the last ten years. It’s designed to gently caress and massage the subtle unseen forces of the universe in the hopes of finding/filling holes in our generally accepted theories. Oh my. In five days they’ll turn it on.

This has had some buzzkills out there twitching and squirming. I mean, what if something goes horribly awry? The Large Hadron Collider (or “the LHC” if you wanna be gangsta) plays around with some pretty intense and technical-sounding energies which could conceivably generate artificial singularities big enough to swallow the Earth! At least, that was the fear which spawned a lawsuit earlier this year, the second round of litigation on the matter this decade.

But worry not, citizens! A new report has been released to once again attempt to reassure these folks that the Large Hadron Collider won’t destroy the planet. According to the study, Mother Nature’s own forces are already kicking out stronger energies than anything da’ LHC will be used for. So unless some careless whitecoat accidently reverses the polarity of the neutron flow, we should be fine. (That’s a Doctor Who reference; drink!)

Doomsayers, don’t forget: the world is already scheduled to end on December 21st, 2012. If that appointment is good enough for Smoke Jaguar, it’s good enough for me.

Among many other things, 37 year-old Toronto Maple Leafs captain Mats Sundin is one hot commodity in what still remains of this offseason’s rather modest batch of free agents. He’s also making a name for himself as a measured, cautious decision maker - perhaps approaching the point of parody. Of course, at his age and with his record, he can afford such indulgences.

If you’re a masochist, try explaining that to the fans and management of the Vancouver Canucks. Coming off a disappointing 39-33-10 campaign in the 2007-2008 season culminating in their second failure to reach the playoffs in three attempts, the Canucks are once again in the midst of a roster makeover with most of this decade’s core now flipping through real estate catalogues in other cities. Chief among them is Markus Naslund, who left the Canucks in July to find a new role in New York, thus leaving Vancouver without a captain.

Even someone who doesn’t particularly care about hockey can probably connect the dots. With a great payroll burden lifted and another losing season to erase, Canucks GM Mike Gillis has been going after Sundin’s contract hard, putting down an offer worth $20 million over two years. This would make him the highest paid player in the game… that is, if he signs. But he won’t. Find out why after the break.

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We keep this up, and people are gonna think that us C-F folk hate conservatives.

Which, uh… anyway…

On the heels of every other fuckup Republican VP pick Sarah Palin has on her so far there’s a much lesser known scandal lurking in the shadows. One which, I think, says more about her character then most other stories out there. Many talk about her daughter, but you can’t necessarily hold that against Palin. This, on the other hand…

Apparently, during her time as mayor of Wasilla, Palin went about poking at the idea of getting books banned, even going as far as firing a librarian and then reversing the action when residents of the town became outraged. More, after I get on my fireman uniform.

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Despite it having been a scant four days since Palin was announced as McCain’s running mate, the woman is already up to her ass in slung shit. It’s understandable for left-wing pundits to be denouncing her lack of expertise, particularly since their own candidate is often on the recieving of such criticism, but why stop there? Honk your horn if you loooove drama!

First was insinuations that the recently-born Trig Palin was actually Sarah’s grandson rather than her own boy, based loosely on a couple of photos and a few things that seemed to be too odd to be coincidental. This, however, isn’t what’s important.

The important part is that for whatever reason, Palin decided the best way to negate these rumors was not with something like medical records, or even by showing photos that prove otherwise, but rather by saying that the four-month-old baby had to have been expelled by her womb because her 17-year-old daughter, Bristol, is five months pregnant. Saddle up for a wild ride, buckaroos.

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It goes without saying that we should all be very careful about what we do to our bodies, perhaps now more than ever. We hear all the time about various imported Chinese food products carrying deadly cocktails of mercury, lead, weapons-grade plutonium, kryptonite… yet despite how quick we are to recognize these health threats from abroad, many of us are still happy enough to pollute and injure ourselves via other means.

Obviously I don’t need to tell anyone about the risks of smoking, although it might surprise you to learn that the lax restrictions concerning tobacco (or perhaps the lack of any to begin with) is at the point where strawberry jam undergoes stricter regulation than cigarettes. Then again, you never know what kind of malicious viral agent might be lurking in the marmalade and fruit spread laboratories of Kraft! Perhaps if Big Jam were to increase their lobbying muscle, maybe bribe a few congressmen…

Next on the list of potentially threatening foodstuffs: royal wedding cakes!

A large slice of cake made to celebrate the wedding of Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles [in 1981] has been sold for £1,000 at an auction house in Gloucestershire.

“Whoever bought it is unlikely to eat it as it will undoubtedly taste stale and be an expensive experiment.”

Far be it for me to call into question the common sense of anyone fascinated enough by decades-old pastries to pay a thousand quid for a slice, but I’d personally be more concerned that anyone foolish enough to sneak a bite from it might end up introducing a new and exciting plague upon the world. Unless Elaine Benes did that already.

After the break, one method of DIY body modification that you really shouldn’t try to duplicate.

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